Modern Love

So, if you didn’t know, falling in love and remaining in love are two completely different things.

The problem is that in life, we were sold a product with the instructions to fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after. Kind of like a fairytale.

In reality, after you fall in love and after you get married, the honeymoon phase fades and everyone’s left the party. We’re left to look at ourselves in the mirror and we actually don’t know how to stay in love. In fact, we just expect things to be fine.

Imagine we were taught that in order to remain in love, we need to make a decision. You have to first choose love. You have to choose your partner. Every. Single. Day. You have to choose effort. You have to choose kindness. You have to choose empathy. You have to choose to remain there and continue to work and continue to be connected with your partner because when connection leaves, commitment follows.

Love usually has 5 stages.

Stage 1: The Attraction Stage. Also know as the honeymoon phase. Usually the early stages takes place around 1 – 24 months. The flirty game of uncommitted attraction. You start getting to know each other and view your relationship in an idealized way. You’d usually have high dopamine levels and you don’t really see each other’s flaws. You usually overlook any incompatibilities and differences.

Stage 2: Adjusting to Reality/ Attachment. Usually takes place around 18 – 36 months. This is where you’re usually in touch with yourself and your own personal needs. You’d look at each other critically. The infatuation settles down and behaviours tend to change. You’re starting to see each other’s flaws and start figuring out each other’s values and you evaluate your future together.

Stage 3: The Coupling Stage. This takes place around 36 – 48 months. Things are more serious and you’re long-term committed. You pursue a deeper emotional connection and already have shared routines and regimes. You’re more vulnerable with each other and you have your insecurities. You build the next level of trust and communication and you also figure out how to actually deal with each other and conflict. At this point, you learn to accept and support each other through it all.

Stage 4: Disillusionment. You feel like you may be disconnected in the relationship, perhaps bored and taken for granted. Possibly weighed down by responsibility too, in terms of work, finances and kids. You feel as if you might need to be reassured. You might value your partner but still feeling disconnected and thinking if you’ll make it through or will everything fall apart? Most couples throw in the towel here unfortunately and do not put up a fight.

Stage 5: Whole Hearted Love. You reconnect and nurture the relationship. You work on the relationship and revive the love by trying new things, choosing to stay committed. You learn to be okay with being bored at times, but you value your partner, their presence, the comfort they bring and the companionship. You choose each other every day. All the time. No matter what. You grow as an individual and you also grow as a couple in your relationship.

For the most part, falling in love is voluntary, but remaining in love is a decision and usually in marriages the first thing to leave is connection and connection leaves because of busyness, the family is expanding, you change emotionally, intellectually or spiritually and also due to selfishness. When connection leaves, commitment follows right after.

Truth be told, relationships and marriages are hard work. You work to get in. You work to stay in. Communication is key and speaking about your feelings too. “This makes me uncomfortable because of XYZ” and things like this should form a healthy conversation. After the honeymoon phase, you gotta find new ways to fall in love. You gotta choose your person everyday. There might be some hurdles in the path as no one’s perfect, but you’ve got to work at it every single day. Try new things all the time. Sometimes you gotta think back to what you done in the beginning, and start doing those things. Buy her those flowers. Take her dancing once in a while. Go do a tufting session together. Be random and be spontaneous. You’ve got to keep the rave alive, at all costs. The key for me is, stay true to yourself and your values, and don’t stop trying to win her over. If you stop buying her those flowers, or you don’t get her a cheeseburger when she said she wasn’t hungry, someone else will buy her those flowers and get her that cheeseburger.

Keep your eyes on the prize kings xx

Know Your Worth

What’s meant for you, will be only for you.

I strongly believe in this. It could be just a religious opinion. It could be due to past personal experiences or encounters.

Sometimes it’s good to break free. Break free in the sense of shifting your perception of being selfish; from being selfish towards yourself, to being selfish towards others. Once you learn how to do that, you will think less of what people think and think more of yourself. Self-love is important.

Get to know yourself. Do something different. Randomly call old friends and see how they are. Listen to different genres of music. Find our what sets your soul on fire. Then feed it the fuel to keep on burning. Care less about others thoughts and more about your happiness. One of the most disappointing things in the world is thinking that the next person is willing to do what you’ve done for them.

The way I see it, is that the sooner you realise that you’re in charge of your own happiness, the sooner you’ll flourish. You’ll ooze radiance. Also, don’t ever lose sight of your value. Know your worth.

An important and vital lesson I’ve learned is this:

There is $100 note. Who would take it if offered? Everyone would. Then, crumble it up and make it crinkled and unfold it. Who would take it Then? Everyone would still take it. Then, that same note, gets tramped on and pressed into the ground as if someone was killing a cigarette with their foot. Who wants this note now? Still everyone, but why is this? This is because no matter what happened to the note, it hasn’t lost it’s worth. It’s still $100 note. Now there are plenty of times in our lives where we feel like life has crumbled us up or grounded us into the dirt. Sure, we make bad decisions or have to deal with unfortunate affairs and sometimes our lives can make us feel worthless.

The most important thing is that no matter what has happened and no matter what will happen, you never lose your worth. You never lose your value. Never forget that.

Somewhere along the lines we do forget that though. We forget that we never lose our value. We forget that no matter what we have been through, we are still ourselves. Possibly a bit damaged yes, but finding your bliss is a work in progress. Your views and perspectives on happiness will change throughout your journey. You’ll constantly be evolving and your views on what’s essential will change. Starting over doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve failed. It means that you’re growing as an individual and that you’ve learnt something on this journey so far.

Self love is so important, that if you don’t love yourself, how do you expect to go out there and love someone else? Frankly, life’s too short to waste time on things that doesn’t nourish your soul and set it a light and make you a better person.

If you’re not in a relationship, you’d be pretty content with yourself and when you find someone who truly deserves you, you’ll know. Know your worth and don’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t acknowledge it. You need to be fully comfortable with yourself and love yourself before letting the right kind of love in.

Getting to know yourself could take some time. Maybe even longer than what it takes to get to know someone else. Just hang in there and learn your worth. Be kind to yourself. There’s no other you in the world, except yourself. If you can’t love yourself then how do you expect someone else to love you?

Know your worth.

And I’ll leave you with this to think about:

“The best time to plant a seed, was yesterday” – Unknown.

Love, Today…

Relationships don’t last these days. Like Drake once said:

“We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together, but we sure make it feel like we’re together cause we’re scared to see each other with somebody else.”

Today’s generation has forgotten what love is and possibly don’t know what it is to love or even that feeling that fills you up inside, making you feel warm and fuzzy. I’d say that today’s generation gives up prematurely when it comes to love. You need to learn how to fight for what you want.

Do you really sacrifice and compromise for the true love that stands before you? Do you invest everything you have into a relationship? Or do you just go with the flow and see what happens? Are you looking for love or are you just looking for that immediate excitement? Temporary happiness because you live in the moment and not for the long haul but you disguise it and call it love.

It should be called thrill-seeking I’d say. You look for someone to party with and to watch movies with but not someone you can relate to even in their deepest silence. Do you spend time together or do you actually make memories? We’re on that constant thrill-seeking vibe. Look for a partner for life not just someone that makes you feel alive right now. If it fades, have you been prepared for the wearisome that follows? You’re too overwhelmed with the thrill at 1st  which is why you don’t enjoy the silence or the true beauty within as we tend to overlook these things nowadays, possibly blinded by the thrill of adventure, per say…

We engross ourselves in the inconsequentials of the city life, the night life, social media, how good our instagram looks to outsiders so much, that we don’t even bother with love. You should make the time for love, you should have the patience to deal with relationships. You’re so busy chasing materialistic dreams that there’s not even latitude to love. You love your comfort zones too much.

You’re too fixated on the desire to experience pleasure or fulfillment without delay or deferment. This goes for the things we post on social media, career choices and even our love lives. The maturity of a relationship, the emotional connection, the sense of belonging – these things come with time and you don’t have the patience for it. In other words, you don’t have the patience for love.

You’d rather spend 60 minutes each day with a hundred people than spending a full day with one. Everyone has options – we’re the ‘social’ generation. We have this thing for meeting people and not getting to know them. We jump into relationships at the first sight of allure, which is all good and well, but we also jump out of it once someone better comes along. Like, what happened to bringing out the best in that one person? We want them to be perfect as that’s what we see on movies and fairytales. We date a lot of people, but do we really give them a chance? Or do we drop them the moment we find something wrong? We need to be able accept and embrace the bad parts of someone and love them for all that they are, but rather we turn around and say “they’re not my type”.

Technology has brought us so close. I think it’s possibly too close. Too close in the sense that our presence has been replaced with texting, whatsapp’s, snapchats, instaG’s, video calls and voice notes. We have too much of each other that we don’t have anything to talk about in person.

Our generation is full of ‘lost souls’ who can’t stay in a place for too long. Everyone’s commitment phobic. You don’t want to settle down and you believe that you’re not built for relationships. Just the thought of settling down freaks you the fuck out. The thought of it alone, makes you uncomfortable deep down inside. You refuse to even imagine being with one person for the rest of your lives. Instead, we walk away. We believe permanence is some sort of social media evil. You’d like to believe you don’t conform to the social norms and that we’re different from the rest, but let’s take a back step and review all of this for a moment or two.

We’re the so-called sexually liberated generation. Can we really tell the difference between sex and love? We have sex first and then decide if we want to love someone, but here’s the thing – sex comes easily, whereas loyalty doesn’t. Getting laid has become the new getting drunk. Doing it not for the sake of love but instead to make ourselves feel good. It’s all the instant gratification you need. Sex outside relationships isn’t frowned upon. Relationships are more complicated these days. There’s so many open relationships, casual one-night-stands, flings, friends with benefits, no-strings attached, leaving little or no space for love at all.

Our generation runs on logic alone. Do you even know how to love madly? To love unconditionally? Would you take a flight to see your significant other, or would you drop the relationship because of the long distance? We’re too pragmatic for love and possibly our own good.

Ultimately, I think our generation is too scared. Scared to commit, to fall in love,  to get hurt, to get our hearts broken. We don’t let anyone break down our walls and we also don’t step out of our comfort zones to love someone unconditionally. We hide behind the walls we’ve built ourselves so that we can be the enslavement to our lies we wish to believe as we look for love from behind these walls but we run away as soon as it presents itself. We’re too cautious because we don’t want to bare our hearts to anyone, or our souls, or anything at all. We just don’t think we’re able to handle it.

Do we really value relationships these days? Have you ever told someone “fuck it. I’m in love with you. I want this. Let’s do it” and I’m not talking about sex over there. I’m talking about taking things to the next level. Turning it up a notch. We let amazing people go as there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but you don’t realise you’ve just let a bass go for smaller fish, so to say.

We can conquer the world as we are, but we’re inept in this game of love, one of the most basic things we were created to do. Fall in love…

Marriage and Divorce

So many make marriages out to be bad, especially if they’re divorced. Now I’m someone, I like to see the positive in everything.. So maybe we (we being the unannounced divorcee club) should just look at it more like you tried, it happened, it was fun, but sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.

No one knows what to expect when you enter a marriage. The first things you notice is the compromise situation. You can never really prep yourself for this, per say. Now, coming from someone who’s been married before, the compromise is not about the compromise. It’s about how well you handle it that sets the tone for your marriage.

Lots of people regret their first, sometimes their second and even their third marriages. I’d say never use the term regret. Sometimes you say things out of anger, sometimes you say things out of hurt and sometimes without even thinking. The crux of the matter is that you once entered this marriage because you wanted this at the time and sometimes it’s just not meant for us but we don’t know unless we try, right?
At the end of the day, life’s a gamble. If you’re not scared, you’re not taking a chance and if you’re not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing?

One thing I can say is, never regret. No matter what. Maybe you guys just weren’t meant to be, no matter how strongly you believed. It doesn’t mean one of the parties were bad though. Think of it this way. You have one of the best car engines and you have an amazing car shell/ body. The engine won’t necessarily fit in the body though. Not because either of them are no good, but because it’s just not made for each other. Silly analogy, but it kinda puts things into perspective. So your perfect piece to the puzzle is still out there.

I believe in amicable splits because why be bitter about it. Well unless there were complications, then yeah that’s a whole new can of worms right there. Truth be told, some things don’t work out as you want it to and some things cut deeper than it should. But then again, that’s life and everyone reacts differently. Some people show their pain. Some people hide it pretty well. Some people hide behind a facade. This doesn’t necessarily define you as a person, but people often tend to judge you on this, when they know nothing of battles you’re fighting at the moment. Be it in your head or your home.

Some people might think you’ve thrown all these years away, depending on the split, but the real question is why has it come to this point? How quickly you can go from being each others everything to not even knowing how to greet one another – backtrack and reflect. The answers are all there. Perhaps you’re not asking the right questions, no?

Many people deal with things their own way and how they see fit or the best way that they see fit, but always remember that no matter what – there are some lines that should never be crossed, regardless.

What you should take from this is don’t live in regret, but be happy it happened. There were good times, there were bad times, there were sad times and there were happy times. Take it as a learning curve as I did. I’ve learnt a lot, even about myself. So don’t give up on love, go out there and find your perfect piece to your puzzle. And just when you’re down and out, and you feel like you can’t go on anymore – this is when the universe tends to unfold, in your favor as it should. Just have faith.

Moving on doesn’t mean you forget about things. It just means you’ve accepted what has happened and continue living and one of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on, and we fight to let go!

Moral Fibre

Moral Fibre is interesting. I used to think that moral fibre was all about doing the right thing. Always doing good deeds. Being that guy. That good guy.

Sometimes you see it differently. Sometimes it’s about finding that one thing. That one thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. You risk it all. Your future, your life. And when you find it – you fight.

The problem with this is, people take it for granted. They don’t necessarily cherish it as they should and this is where the complication comes in. Then you get haunted by something that is the cause of most prolonged relationships that should’ve ended ages ago – False Hope… Now we all know this one’s a killer.

False Hope is that one thing that makes you say “Maybe things will get better. I’ll hang around.” And the sad thing is that you get so caught up in life itself, that a few years down the line you’re telling yourself one of three things:

1. “Maybe things will get better soon.” (Which is what you started off saying)

2. “Maybe this is what life is and how it’s supposed to be” (and just accepting the fact that things are going to stay as is)

3. “Fuck this shit. It’s not what I signed up for.” (And then proceed to take action)

False hope does this. But do we blame the false hope and ultimately ourselves for believing it? Or do we blame the other party for not throwing the type of party you want? It is a tricky situation and the bottom line is that you only have yourself to blame. Only you can make yourself happy. And before you can make another person happy, you need to be able to make yourself happy.

So now looking at Moral Fibre as opposed to False Hope, they cannot be the same thing. With moral fibre you don’t have hope, because things are just there and just feels right. Sometimes it lacks communication.. If you can’t fix it, then it’s not fixable. And sometimes you find yourself saying again “Maybe it will come right” but maybe it won’t.

So I’ll end off by saying this… Sometimes you just gotta do what’s best for you, otherwise you’ll lose yourself… Possibly forever..

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Trust

“A team is not a group of people who work together. A team is a group of people who trust each other.”

Trust is everything. It holds everything together. Marriages. Friendships. Teams. Partnerships. Businesses. The list goes on but without trust, all these things fall apart.

For some people trust is repairable, but for special people like myself, it’s not repairable at all. Once the trust is damaged, it’s damaged forever and depends on the level of damage. It’s easy to forgive; but to forget – now that’s something else.

Along with this, I have a talent (for lack of a better word) which allows me to block things out. Yes this makes me seem heartless and cold, but I’m not heartless – I just use my heart less.

Another “talent” I have is that as fast as I can put my heart into something, that is how fast I can take it out again.

So worst case scenario is that you’d break my trust, I remove myself from the equation & take my heart out of it, and the l go ahead & block all that out of my head and I pretty much seem heartless. Because of this, its pretty easy to get over a situation. It’s just a safety mechanism I use to protect myself cause the reality is that if you tighten the screws, then you’ll see that everyone is just in this game to fend for themselves.

So value peoples trust, value them as friends /partners /family.

And I’ll leave you with this:

“Once you have really hurt someone,it will always be at the back of their mind even if they still have a smile on their face…”

Just remember what has been done cannot be undone.

What Women Want…

Women are so complicated, yet so simple. Nowadays all women basically show us what they want, but it is up to us guys to acknowledge it.

In today’s world, it’s all about sex – which is good – but what happens to the before and after? All women want to be taken out on dates, they want flowers and they also want a good fuck. However, all these things go hand in hand. If she wants to bypass all this admin (for lack of a better word) then proceed to the bedroom my good man. Alternatively there would or should be good signage.

It may seem that even the most easy girls or most bad ass guys are too cool for school. Truth is that everyone has their own demons. Many may be too scared to admit it, but everyone gets the feels, whether it’s when you’re alone in bed or silently basking in your own thoughts in a public toilet. Everyone has that spot.

Talk about what bothers you. Even if it’s to a stranger. It’s the bottled up feels that kill you in the end.

They say women love bad boys. Reality – women love a well-balanced man. You need to be a bit of a bad ass. Don’t be a little bitch in situations. If there is something that pisses most women off, it’s a guy that doesn’t act like a guy. If the kitchen cupboard is hanging – pick up some tools and fix it. Stand up for her when she needs it most. Be the man. Be that guy. One thing a bad ass isn’t is a playa.

Be in touch with your feelings.

Tell her how you feel. Guaranteed you will still be a bad ass after. She will only fall harder for you. Yes, this does mean making yourself vulnerable, but if she’s worth it, then I don’t see a problem with it…

 

Note:

Don’t make her fall if you have no intention on catching her.

 

This just causes unnecessary issues and when this bomb explodes you’d only have yourself to blame.

Remind her every now and again what she means to you. It doesn’t hurt from your end, and she’d be over the moon to know. Women need reassurance every now and again.

Compliment her every now and again. Women are driven by what their significant other tells them. If you don’t tell your woman she’s beautiful, someone else will.

Show her affection. Kiss her hand. Slap her ass when she walks by and when she looks back at you, just smile and wink. Be a gentleman in the streets but a freak in the sheets.

Make her orgasm. Work for her to climax. Explore her body. Caress her body. Enjoy her every curve. Embrace her natural beauty. Make love to her. Look into her eyes. At times you need to fuck her like a porn star. Take her from behind. Pull her hair back. Spank her hard enough for her to turn around to look at you while she bites her lips.

Hug her from behind while she’s making food in the kitchen. Kiss her neck gently as your arms are around her waist, holding her stomach. She’ll immediately melt in your arms.

Make her laugh. Talk shit to her. Dance to her favorite song with her silly dance. Act like an idiot with her, but in the same breathe – be yourself.

Be a little of a douche-bag at times. Be demanding. Be a little controlling here and there. Don’t suffocate her. Let her do her thing as well. Let her go out with her friends. Have date nights with her alone. Dress up for absolutely nothing. Take silly photos together.

A well-balanced guy is a little bit of everything. However, you need to fill the empty space with the correct characteristic. Don’t be a douche when she’s had a tough day. Be comforting. And don’t be a softy when she needs you to fuck her like a porn star (no pun intended lol).

Needless to say, don’t ignore your girl. Someone else might come along and tick all the boxes you left blank.

Women are that simple. You will still be a bad ass in her eyes. A bad ass doesn’t mean you need to have a couple of women. You just gotta be balanced in the correct way!

 

“To love” is an acquired skill

Interesting read…

Gatsby Etiquette

How to eat a Gatsby 101

So there has been lots of confusion in regards to the right way to eat a Gatsby. This should clear everything up and resolve all Gatsby related arguments:

1. One should keep the time between purchase and consumption of the Gatsby as short as possible. Cold chips are no one’s friend.

2. You may only cut the Gatsby into a maximum of four pieces. Anything smaller is a
gross injustice to the Gatsby because there is no way you’ll be filled by
a fifth or less (unless there is another Gatsby to go through).

3. Any chip falling from any given piece of the Gatsby is considered
fair game. The ruling on this is final.

4. When separating the Gatsby, note the point of division: practice
absolute precision here to avoid taking the bottom roll of the next
person’s piece. Ask for assistance if necessary.

5. You must finish your share. Besides it being a terrible waste, you’ll
be scorned by the Gatsby Fraternity for all of time for being a tart.

6. Grip is critical. Cup your piece in your hand so that loose bits have
nowhere to fall except back into your hands. Avoid the scenario
described in Point 3.

7. Never leave the Gatsby unattended.

8. It’s best to accompany the Gatsby with a beverage i.e. Jive, Frulati or
Cabana. Hearty burping guarantees relief.

9. Observe relative silence when consuming the Gatsby. No one likes to
talk and eat at the same time. (Also see point 1 regarding cold chips.)

10. Always wash hands with soap and water at the conclusion to avoid
getting a spicy finger in the eye, a condition commonly known as Gatsby
Eye. The only cure is self-induced crying. No one wants to see that, so
just make the trip and wash your damn hands.

11. The bra that contributes the least towards the Gatsby gets the
smallest piece….

12. The Gatsby is not supposed to eaten out of a plate, so make sure
you ask the BB SC (Bra Behind Shop Counter) Lady to double-wrap the Gatsby to
ensure enough paper for everyone.

13. Avoid eye contact with anyone not eating Gatsby, in fear of them
asking for a Stukkie or shouting “Kap ‘n Baat”

14. When sipping on the Cabana, make sure you only have 2 sips then
pass… Anyone attempting more than 2 sips forfeit the next round….

15. Nothing on the Gatsby is to be wasted (refer point 5), that
includes any salads or sauces still remaining in the paper….. Lick it
up….

16. When the Gatsby is finished, it’s obligatory to finish the ritual
with a cigarette, beware tho of anyone asking for skyff…. Thus make
sure you get some sauce on the filter of the cigarette, to avoid having
to share your “Entjie”

Proceed with caution!

OK… So here we are, at a four way stop…

What way to go is the question… You could go one of three ways, but cross out the first as it’s the way you came from.

To the map of the human heart, it seems comlpicated much, only because you dont know what’s going to happen in either path you take. But you know what, things work out just as they suppose to. Though we all are willing to say and speak about the disadvantages of lies as we go along. So don’t listen to the lies and the rumors of a fool which ultimately leads to someone getting socked in the jaw for kicks.
Nowadays it just doesn’t seem cool.

Now tell me what the hell am I supposed to do? Then a wise man gave me a clue he said “the only way out, is the way through!”