So, if you didn’t know, falling in love and remaining in love are two completely different things.
The problem is that in life, we were sold a product with the instructions to fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after. Kind of like a fairytale.
In reality, after you fall in love and after you get married, the honeymoon phase fades and everyone’s left the party. We’re left to look at ourselves in the mirror and we actually don’t know how to stay in love. In fact, we just expect things to be fine.
Imagine we were taught that in order to remain in love, we need to make a decision. You have to first choose love. You have to choose your partner. Every. Single. Day. You have to choose effort. You have to choose kindness. You have to choose empathy. You have to choose to remain there and continue to work and continue to be connected with your partner because when connection leaves, commitment follows.
Love usually has 5 stages.
Stage 1: The Attraction Stage. Also know as the honeymoon phase. Usually the early stages takes place around 1 – 24 months. The flirty game of uncommitted attraction. You start getting to know each other and view your relationship in an idealized way. You’d usually have high dopamine levels and you don’t really see each other’s flaws. You usually overlook any incompatibilities and differences.
Stage 2: Adjusting to Reality/ Attachment. Usually takes place around 18 – 36 months. This is where you’re usually in touch with yourself and your own personal needs. You’d look at each other critically. The infatuation settles down and behaviours tend to change. You’re starting to see each other’s flaws and start figuring out each other’s values and you evaluate your future together.
Stage 3: The Coupling Stage. This takes place around 36 – 48 months. Things are more serious and you’re long-term committed. You pursue a deeper emotional connection and already have shared routines and regimes. You’re more vulnerable with each other and you have your insecurities. You build the next level of trust and communication and you also figure out how to actually deal with each other and conflict. At this point, you learn to accept and support each other through it all.
Stage 4: Disillusionment. You feel like you may be disconnected in the relationship, perhaps bored and taken for granted. Possibly weighed down by responsibility too, in terms of work, finances and kids. You feel as if you might need to be reassured. You might value your partner but still feeling disconnected and thinking if you’ll make it through or will everything fall apart? Most couples throw in the towel here unfortunately and do not put up a fight.
Stage 5: Whole Hearted Love. You reconnect and nurture the relationship. You work on the relationship and revive the love by trying new things, choosing to stay committed. You learn to be okay with being bored at times, but you value your partner, their presence, the comfort they bring and the companionship. You choose each other every day. All the time. No matter what. You grow as an individual and you also grow as a couple in your relationship.
For the most part, falling in love is voluntary, but remaining in love is a decision and usually in marriages the first thing to leave is connection and connection leaves because of busyness, the family is expanding, you change emotionally, intellectually or spiritually and also due to selfishness. When connection leaves, commitment follows right after.
Truth be told, relationships and marriages are hard work. You work to get in. You work to stay in. Communication is key and speaking about your feelings too. “This makes me uncomfortable because of XYZ” and things like this should form a healthy conversation. After the honeymoon phase, you gotta find new ways to fall in love. You gotta choose your person everyday. There might be some hurdles in the path as no one’s perfect, but you’ve got to work at it every single day. Try new things all the time. Sometimes you gotta think back to what you done in the beginning, and start doing those things. Buy her those flowers. Take her dancing once in a while. Go do a tufting session together. Be random and be spontaneous. You’ve got to keep the rave alive, at all costs. The key for me is, stay true to yourself and your values, and don’t stop trying to win her over. If you stop buying her those flowers, or you don’t get her a cheeseburger when she said she wasn’t hungry, someone else will buy her those flowers and get her that cheeseburger.
Keep your eyes on the prize kings xx
Moonstruck Corner 